The Doom of Hogwarts
by Hikaru-ayako
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione are back at hogwarts...but this time almost everything is diffrent, Harry thinks he's a great song writer, Ron has split personalitys, and Draco's dream is to be a pop star. Strange things start to happen at hogwarts...this is one


Chapter 1  
  
Bow Down to your Queen  
  
Finally, it was almost time for another year at Harry's favorite school...well practically his only school, Hogwarts. This year would be different though. Dumbledore had to retire this year because his memory was getting worse and worse each year. Harry and all of them knew he was getting Alzheimer's though. Now a new principal would be taking over. Harry heard the rumors that the new one was big, hairy, and smelled like rotten eggs. Just the thought of who his new principal could be sent shivers up his spine. His thoughts of how the year was going to be kept running through his mind keeping him awake. "Only four more hours till I gotta pack for a new year, I hope that I actually get some sleep" Harry told himself. "Maybe if I get some milk it will help me sleep....oh wait, forgot that there is still a lock on the fridge to keep Dudley from eating everything" "Damnit, why does Dudley have to be such a pig?" Harry scoffed. "Now that I'm finally old enough to drive and live on my own why am I still in this prison?" After awhile Harry decided he really couldn't sleep so he spent the rest of the four hours making up songs about pine trees. "Pretty pine trees, how you make sweet pine cones, cute conifers, how you shimmer in the sun" sang Harry. "Your baby cones getting knocked down by squirrels, oh how I hate those bloody squirrels" Harry kept this on for awhile until finally he exclaimed "wow, I suck at writing lyrics, but none the less I will be the greatest poet in the world...after I figure out how this rhyming thing works". Ok so Harry didn't do this for exactly four hours. After the first hour of making up nonsense lyrics he basically fell asleep. "Harry! Wake up! Get your arse down here, your freaky friends are here to pick you up for that demented school of weirdo's" screamed his uncle. Harry sat up instantly. "My god! I slept in, gotta get ready in ten minutes" Harry said scrambling for the closet. "Hmm... all I have to wear are these uncomfortably tight jeans" Harry scratched his head and though for awhile "oh yeah, those are Ron's!" he put them on anyway; Harry thought they made him look a little sexy anyway. Harry examined himself in the mirror and looked at his barely-there rear. "Wow, these make my hienny look a little bit bigger" Harry was hoping to impress Hermione this year. Even though she was his friend he still had feelings for her because, well, she was the only girl he didn't get nervous around, he thought he might actually have a chance with her as a girlfriend. He sighed as he thought of Hermione. She was a sadistic psycho sometimes but she sure was cute when she looked like she was about to kill him. Hermione had been recently diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and other character disorders. So whenever she got angry she was like an eighteen wheeler going eighty miles an hour down a bowling alley. "Thinking of Hermione always makes me wanna sing" Harry said. "oh Hermione, even though your heiny's not so tiny, I still love you", "your beauty is like a pork chop, tender and juicy, and oh so yummy", Harry got lost in his awful singing while he searched for a shirt to wear to his first day at school. Finally he found a bubble gum pink and black shirt that read "Bow down to your Queen" Why do I have Hermione's and Ron's cloths in my room?" wondered Harry. Of course Harry couldn't be seen at Hogwarts with a cute pink shirt that said "Bow down to your Queen" everyone especially the macho dude Draco Malfoy would think he was gay or worse... a cross dresser!. "Harry, are you almost done getting dressed, we got to go really soon" Ron yelled from downstairs. Harry yelped "One minute". Harry sat for a minute and decided we very well couldn't go shirtless, and Dudley's cloths were way too big and Ron only wore three shirts which he alternates each week. "Damnit, well I guess I have to be a queen for the day at least until I can find someone to get a shirt from" Harry mumbled while putting the questionable shirt on. "I look really gay" Harry said while looking in the mirror. "Tight pants with this damn queen shirt", "how the bloody hell am I going to live through my first day at Hogwarts" Harry grumbled.  
  
Chapter 2  
On a bicycle built for three...  
  
Since Ron's mother was sick of her son crashing their one-of-a-kind flying car (not to mention they were out of insurance) they had to take the one-of- a-kind flying bicycle with three seats. It was Ron and his dad's second invention right after the flying car. The bicycle was really ghetto, mostly because they had nothing else to build the damn thing out of except wood and some scrap metal. "Mum!" Ron cried. "Why do we have to take that flying piece of crap to Hogwarts?" Ron's mother turned around, red faced, and really angry "Because you where very careless with that bloody car your father built and now as punishment you're going to learn to respect what you have" Mrs. Weasley said as she packed them some snacks for the trip. "Here Harry" she said, "take some crumpets and warm butter rum cookies for your trip". Although she didn't say it, Mrs. Weasley preferred Harry to her own son for a lot of reason. "By the way Harry, your shirt is so cute" remarked Mrs. Weasley. "Yeah, Harry, stealing Hermione's cloths again?" smirked Ron. "What the bloody hell are you talking about Ron?" Harry said while blushing and remembering the nights when he snuck into Hermione's room just to steal a few articles of clothing, preferably her shirts and sexy lacey underwear. "Come on you two, we don't have time to argue over a few missing cloths, Harry can wear the blasted shirt till we get to Hogwarts so he has something to wear" Hermione finally spoke and broke the argument between them. "Besides, I think the shirt suites you well" giggled Hermione. "Ok now, lets just get on that blasted piece of junk and get are arses to Hogwarts before were late on are first bloody day" snarled Hermione. "Uh oh Harry, she's getting in one of her moods again" whispered Ron. Ron grabbed the bicycle handles and dusted off the metal seats. The seats where made of steel and the bicycle frame was made of magic willow wood that would make it fly, though the wood was rather old. "Ok seats dusted, lets hop on this thing and hope we make it to Hogwarts" Ron joked. Hermione being a little of a pain squealed, "I am not sitting on that rusted piece of junk". Ron rolled his eyes and ignored her complaints. "Well here goes nothing" Harry laughed. Harry, Hermione, and Ron got in their seats and prayed they would make it to Hogwarts in one piece.  
  
Chapter 3/Are we there yet?  
  
"On the count of three pedal really hard" shouted Harry, Ron and Hermione where playing with the handle bars to see if they would break. Harry was in position and ready to go, "one, two" Hermione who was extremely impatient growled "Hurry up!, lets get this thing up in the air" she pushed one foot on the pedal and the bike flew up in the air with so much force it almost knocked Harry off. "I said wait till I count to three!" Harry said, shaking like a hamster that had been traumatized. It took Ron a few seconds to respond, "oh great" Ron said, "got to wash me another pair of knickers now" Ron had to use the bathroom and the sudden jolt had caused him to wet his pants. "You both are such wimps", scoffed Hermione, "No wonder neither of you have girlfriends yet, nor probably never will". Ron didn't seem to care much for girls though so he just stated "Who really cares if we don't have girlfriends or much of a life". "And you Harry, your just to much of a loser to ask girls out, and your poetry sucks too" Hermione exclaimed. Harry got angry at this; he loves his poetry more then anything. "Damn you Hermione, my poetry and lyrics are great, I just have writers block now". While they were all arguing no one was really paying attention to flying, except Ron who had no idea what he was doing. "How do you fly this bloody thing", he said. The bike was zipping around and going in every direction now. The handle bars where shaking and the tires spun wildly. "Why didn't you watch the bloody bike Harry?" Hermione shrieked. "Were gonna crash!" Suddenly one of the metal handle bars flew off and they where flung into a cloud. "Ron, where the bloody hell are we?" asked Hermione. "Can't see" said Ron, who was surprisingly calm through the whole thing. The clouds passed after a few minutes but as soon as the clouds were gone they had another obstacle in their way. "Just up ahead, there's Hogwarts" yelled Harry. "Ok Ron use the brakes and lower this piece of shit to the ground". "Um...there's a problem Harry, I forgot to make brakes" Ron shouted back to Harry. "You idiot, How can you Forget to put brakes on a flying bike!" Hermione cried  
  
Chapter 4  
There's a dude in my shower  
  
"Oops, I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game, ohhh baby baby" sang Draco Malfoy. The macho blond was in the shower practicing his singing. Draco always had this dream of becoming a pop star one day. "Oops you think I'm in love, I was sent by a dove" sang Draco. Suddenly Draco realized he forgot the lyrics to his favorite song, "hmm... was it sent by a dove or dropped from above" he pondered. Even though he always dreamed of being a pop star, like Harry, he was never really good at singing or writing lyrics. "Oh dear, where's my pretty pony bath wash...There it is! Exclaimed Draco as he picked up a glittery purple bottle with a pink pony on it. "Someday, I'll be the most famous pop star in the world" he said, he squeezed a dollop of the purplish liquid into his silky bleach blond hair and started singing again. Draco was singing so loud and got so into his singing he didn't notice a three seat bicycle heading straight for the bathroom window. The ghetto piece of shit was heading straight for the elegantly designed window of Hogwarts bathroom. "dum, de, dum" Draco's annoying singing went on. Suddenly without warning Draco heard an enormous crash through his window. Shards of glass flew in all directions and a tiny piece hit Draco in the back. "What the bloody hell, I've been stabbed!" he shrieked in a high pitched voice. "Someone call an ambulance!" Draco yelled, no one heard him of course. The cut was very small by the way. Barely drawing any blood. "Cant anyone bloody here me? I'm dying here" Draco said while he crumpled to the bathroom floor crying. A foot away from him Harry was lying unconscious in the shower. Draco didn't notice Harry there because he was to busy being a was. After a few minutes Draco sat up, realized he was not going to die finally stopped crying and sat up. "What...What the..." Draco saw Harry lying in his shower. Harry came around by now and was rubbing his head. "Ouch, that fall must have knocked me out for awhile". Harry put on his glasses and looked up at a naked Draco Standing right in front of him. "Dear god, did I die and go to hell!" Harry screamed. Draco who was just as shocked looked at the skinny boy wearing a "bow to your queen" shirt and shrieked of pure terror, "Potter you fag, get the fuck out of my bloody shower". Draco used a curtain to cover himself and tied it around his waist and looked like a bull about to charge. "Uh oh" Harry said, "Draco, before you kill me, I just want you to know... you sing like crap". Draco's eyes went bloodshot and there was fire in his eyes. Harry got up quickly and ran for his life out of that crazy maniacs shower. "You better run potter, when I get you, your dead meat" Draco said, taking off after Harry with a curtain tied around him.  
  
Chapter 5/ Ron's secret Ron was sitting alone in the huge library; he skimmed through the many books on the dusty old shelf. "damnit, I know it's here somewhere" Ron said as his fingers slid over the ancient books. "ahhh, finally here's some that might help the one" Ron sighed with relief. The books; titled "So you've been cursed", "hexes for dummies" and "The complete idiots guide to evil spells". Ron set the books on the wooden table and started looking through them. "Hmm...what to do if your turned into a frog, cat, pig, toilet, donut, squirrel, duck, etc, etc", Ron read aloud, his eyes shifted nervously through the pages "nope that's not it". With each chapter letting him down he grew more desperate and anxious. "Where the bloody hell is a cure for split personality" he yelled out loud. The bony skeleton like librarian slammed down her paperback novel, "Sir, PLEASE be quiet this instant" she hissed. Ron ignored the skinny librarian and just let his head sink to the table top while tears slid down his cheeks. "If I don't do something soon it's gonna happen again" he said through his sobs. No one knew about Ron's secret, no one except the people who it involved. Ron shuddered when he thought of past experiences with his curse. It was like living in another body, another mind, and sexuality. His other half, Yurik; a gay Icelandic who was feminine and an addicted shopaholic (that's another story about how he got his tight pants). Back when Ron worked for slurpy soup (the only soup restraunt you can get soup delivered to your home) he had gotten an order from a cranky old witch who wanted her soup hot, and fast. Ron remembered how he rushed to get her soup there fast, he had nervously stepped up the wobbly cobble stone stairs and rang the doorbell, which made an hooting owl sound, "hoot, hoot, hoooot" chimed the doorbell. Ron kept his eyes locked to the peep hole and nervously shuffled his feet while he waited. "Who dares ring my doorbell" said a voice that sounded like rusted iron scratching the sidewalk on a hot day. "Um...you ordered the hot and spicy Won Ton special" Ron's voice quivered with fear. The witch stared at him for a second, "my god that took along time, it had better be hot...or else" she sneered at Ron, "give it to me boy, don't be afraid" she cackled. Ron was shaking so bad he lifted the boiling soup to the witch's fragile pretzel like hands. "Ahhh, my hot soup, come to me my pretty" she said, reaching her hands to take the soup. "Finally I have my hot...blaahhh!!" she screamed. The witch had spilled the soup all over herself, her shaky hands proved to be no match for the spicy Won Ton special. "YOU" she screeched, "it's all your fault", "you deserve a punishment that will never let you forget what you have done to me, whenever you here an owl hoot, you will...um... become a homosexual Icelandic man!" her voice rattled like dry rice stuck in a rusty pipe. Ron dropped to his knees and his head fell to his hands "Nooo!" he cried, "anything but that". The witch just laughed at him and slammed the door in his face. "No, no, no this can't be happening, dear god, I'm homophobic! ive become the one thing ive feared the most" Ron's overly dramatic scene was interrupted when he realized that Friends was on and that it was a new episode. "Whatever happens, I hope no one finds out, especially anyone at Hogwarts" Ron said under his breath, he got back on his flying bicycle and went back home to watch friends.  
  
"Come back here Potter" Draco was running through the halls of Hogwarts with only a glittery shower curtain that said in pink glittery letters "Britney Spears". Harry was running like mad down the corridors and past the library and dining hall. Suddenly Harry stopped for a second, "wow I'm an idiot" he said, "All I have to do is use my invisible cloak". Harry got out the cloak and put it on and smiled. "Id likes to see that Britney wannabe find me now" he chuckled. Harry was watching as Draco came running down the hall in the ugly pink curtain. "I can't resist" Harry giggled, Harry stuck out his leg while Draco ran down the hall. Draco ran with full force into Harry's invisible leg, "ahhhh!...ouch" Draco yelled as he fell on the hard marble floor. "What the hell?" Draco said, stunned and lying naked on the floor with the curtain. "Hmm, that's odd, must have slipped on the floor" he muttered. While Draco was recovering from his daze a group of first year girls were walking back from their history of magic class. Draco heard the girls getting closer and knew he had to do something quick before they saw him and reported him to headmaster. "Damnit, what was that spell" Draco said to himself. "oh yeah_____)" he had turned himself into an owl. Draco was a pure white owl with black tipped feathers. The girls were giggling and skipping through the hall when they spotted the white owl sitting on the pink glittery curtain. The girls ran up to the owl and picked him up, "ahhh, he's such a cute owl" squealed a girl with red hair, pigtails and a lot of freckles. "Let me hold him" yelled another girl. Draco wasn't too pleased about being held and petted by a bunch of kiddy first year girls. Draco getting impatient and aggravated bites one of the annoying girls finger. "ouch!" the pigtailed girl screamed, Bad owl, very bad owl". A chubby girl with braces piped up, "and you know what we do with naughty owls don't you, put him in the basement till he learns his lesson!" The girls all agreed that they would cage up Draco and throw him in the basement till he was a good owl. The girls brought a small owl cage and thrust Draco in. "your gonna learn to be a good lil owly" the scary looking girl with the braces said. Draco started hooting, but he didn't know why, he guessed it was an instinct out of fear. Even though he was locked up in the cage and about to be thrown in the basement for awhile he couldn't help laughing (hooting out loud) to himself about how he had left the girls who held him a "special" present on them before he was stuffed in the cage.  
  
Chapter 6/Hoot of the Owl  
Ron was packing his stuff from the library and getting ready to go to class. "Maybe on my on way to class I can take a short trip to the basement for some pickled frog legs" Ron said. He had found a spell that would temporarily stop his curse but it included a lot of ingredients that were hard to find. Pickled frog legs were kept in the basement, in fact, all the ingredients Ron needed were in the basement were all the special potion and spell items were kept. Ron rushed down the long corridors with huge hanging tapestries that depicted scenes of Celtic mythology. He glided down the stairs of the first floor and took the elevator to the basement. "God, that took so long, why didn't I just teleport?" Ron asked himself. The elevator stopped with a loud thud, Ron got off the elevator and entered the cold dark basement. 


End file.
